Yami no Soda
by Yami Liurong
Summary: Yu-Gi-Oh characters are victims to the statistics of the defective Dr. Pepper paraphernalia.
1. Yami nolike Dr Pepper

Prologue:

It _can_ happen. It _will_ happen. An accident is waiting for you, dear reader. I'll bet you're drinking a beverage of some sort, ne? It _can _happen. It _will_ happen. And you'll wish you read that label on the SIDE OF YOUR BEVERAGE! ahem Statistics show that 1 out of 4 people will have an injury in the eye, groin, buttocks, knee, mouth, pinky toe, nose, collar bone, ribs, abdomen, and shin due to the unexpected projection of the cap of a bottle of soda pop (Dr. Pepper being the most common with this problem).Be afraid reader, _very _afraid.

::Chapter One:: Yami no(like) Dr. Pepper

"Do you have _any_ idea what that will look like in your stomach?" Yugi sits on the couch next to Yami, a hand on his knee, cynically looking at his dark happily munch on some Swiss Rolls, and sip an almost-empty bottle of Dr. Pepper on the table.

"I can't see my stomach, now can I, Aibou-dearest? I see the food, it looks good, I eat it. Stomach is happy. Doesn't care what it looks like."

"When I was 6 we had a lunch lady come in my classroom with a cupcake and soda. She mushed them up in a bag and told us that was how the food looked in our stomach. And it was pretty groady looking! Reminded me of sewage."

Yami pauses, slowly turning his head, a slightly vengeful look on his face. "I'm _eating_, Aibou."

"Yeah. I can see that. Ya know, you're gonna get fat one day and I'm just going to laugh when you come out of the Puzzle against Kaiba or something, and watch his face when he sees your potbelly."

Yami picks up another Swiss Roll, ritualistically peeling off the chocolate covering and then eating the cake. "I'm a spirit. I can't get fat. Actually, I can't technically ingest food."

"So…why are you eating…?" Yugi picks up a bottle of Dr. Pepper from Yami's stash that is on the table.

"I don't know. Perhaps for the same reason that people will eat for no reason."

"That's not a good reason…"

"It's reason enough, for my reasoning is that the reason that people will eat for no reason is the reason that I reason to be mine."

"…What…?"

"Ha. I confused you. Now leave my eating habits be."

"Be what?"

"You may be one-third blonde, but you sure get your fraction's worth. Anyway, speaking of gaining weight, Kaiba could gain some. I mean, he looks like a skeleton, and on top of that, he wears black (a thinning color, ya know) and it's very tight." Yami sips the Dr. Pepper.

"Actually, I think he's quite flabby in some places. He may be thin, but it's like his muscles aren't there."

"Especially in the gluteal area."

"Yeah. It sags."

…silence…

"Why are we talking about Kaiba's butt?" Yugi raises an eyebrow, trying to open his soda.

"I…Do…Not…Know…But I think we should stop."

"Yeah…" Yugi tries to twist the cap off. "Dang it! I can't get this thing off. Can you give it a try, Yami?" He hands Yami the bottle.

Yami picks up the red, cone-shaped bottle, and gives it a hard twist. It doesn't budge. He twists it again, making grunting noises. "Damn thing." He looks at the cap. "Oh, I see, the plastic is-AGH!" Yami yells as the cap of the Dr. Pepper mysteriously pops off with a pook! and hits Yami in his eye. He falls to the ground, one hand over his eye. "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAAAAAAAAMMMMMIIT! STUPID FUCKING THING! OH GODS! MY EYE!"

Yugi pauses for a moment, thinking that the ex-Pharaoh is putting on an act. He quickly realizes that this is not true, and kneels next to Yami. "Yami! Are you okay?!" Yugi says. It's funny how normally, upon approaching a person in obvious writhing pain, will ask the person 'are you okay'. Humans..mnef.


	2. Dangerous Cravings

Chapter Two: Dangerous Cravings

Now, not only is the bottle itself of a soda dangerous. Vending machines can also be defective nods. Or…out to get you. One of the two.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Ryou sits up suddenly in bed. Bakura was once again tormenting him in a dream, torturing his very essence as he dreamt.

"So, will you do as I say, hikari-dearest?" Bakura materializes beside Ryou, a mischevious grin on his gace, accented by the deep shadows that somehow emerged in the sunny room.

"Yami…It's two o'clock in the morning. I'm sorry, but if you've got a craving for Dr. Pepper, _you_ go out and get it. There's a vending machine less than a block from here."

"I don't want to get it, I want _you_ to get it."

Ryou yawns, scratching his head, and seemingly dusting off the loose NASCAR shirt that served as part of his night garb. "And why do you wish for me to do this?"

"To assert my control over you. If I can't make you go get a goddamn soda for me, how am I supposed to be able to use your body whenever I want and have you take place in my diabolical schemes to kill the Pharaoh among others and to eventually gain control of the world?"

"Well…You _could_ ask me."

"…Ask you."

"Yes."

"But you'd say no."

"But at least I'd know that you were kind enough to ask me even though you didn't heed my wishes."

"I don't want to be kind. I'm _evil_, Ryou. I'm _so_ evil that my hair and chin get pointy when I think evil thoughts."

"Alright Yami, good_niiight_." Ryou says pleasantly, and turns over, pulling his white sheets around him."

"Ryou. It's not like I'm asking for a fucking eye here. Just get _up_ and get me a _goddamn DR.__ PEPPER!_"

"I didn't know eyes could do that! What a find!"

"Tomorrow is Sunday. You can spend a little time awake by walking to get me a Dr. Pepper. You're just lazy. Kids these days!"

"Oh…_I'm_ lazy? You're the one that wants me to get up at 2 o'clock in the _bloody_ morning to get you a drink! You get off your lazy butt for once and go!"

"I do not have a lazy butt. I have a nice, _evil_ butt. You have an angelic butt."

"Uhm…"

"Pharaoh has uptight butt. Jonouchi has sloppy butt. And Kaiba has a saggy butt."

"You notice all of this..?"

Bakura stands still, silent, and upright, trying to maintain his dignity, and his _utter _evilness. "Who wouldn't?"

"Yes, I suppose you're right."

Silence…

"But we have a nice, evil sexy butt." Bakura nods knowilngly, grinning evilly.

"I differ in opinion…"

Silence…

"Ryou?"

Ryou moans. "_Whhaaaaaaaaaaaaat__?_"

"Go get me a Dr. Pepper. _Now._"

"Oh, _Christ_, Yami, I-AGH!" Ryou screams as he is propelled through his window, breaking the glass, leaving large bloody gashes all up his arm and chest, and landing on the ground 2 stories below. He coughs as his head spins. "…Ooww…"

"What do you mean, _ow__??_ You need to take pain, Hikari. Be a _man_."

"Hell_oooo_?! I have my own apartment, manage to make payments all by myself, I have to make sure you don't go on a _killing rampage_, for God's sake, and maintain my grades, and worry about other miscellaneous that pop up unexpectedly in day-to-day-"

"Ryou…You are _such_ a _fruit_."

Ryou glares at Bakura, folding his arms boldly. "How _dare_ you insult me when you want me to _get_ something for you?!"

"I'm merely telling you the truth, _dear_ Hikari. People don't take you seriously because you're a fruit. That deters the effects of my fiendish plans."

"Okay, okay. I'll get you your gosh-darn Dr. Pepper. Alright?"

"_See? _Don't you see? You're such a fruit that you give up so _easily_!"

Ryou stares forward, annoyed. The bags under his eyes and his pissed off expression make him look evil himself. "Good_-GOD-_! What do you _think _I've been _doing?! _I didn't throw myself out the window! JUST SHUT THE 'ELL UP AND I'LL GET YOU YOUR GOSH-DARN COKE SO I  CAN GO BACK TO SLEEP ALREADY!"

Bakura cowers for a second, falling behind Ryou, who has made it to the luminescent vending machine, almost acting like an insect-killing device, except the insects being large humans who are all too familiar with the thing. The image on the front is that of some racecar driver that sponsors Bakura's current obsession. "Dr. Pepper."

Ryou casts a terrible glance over his shoulder, and Bakura is silenced. Ryou takes a few coins from the pocket of his penguin-and-racecar patterned pajama pants, counts them out, and gently slides them into the slot. He presses a plastic button, and the vending machine begins to whirr. A sound of a dropping bottle is heard. Ryou bends down to retrieve the product. He feels nothing in the slot. "That's funny…It appears that the bottle is stuck."

Bakura raises both eyebrows and pushes his hikari aside. He strolls up to the vending machine calmy. He stares at the luminescent screen of the driver, smiling and holding up a bottle of Dr. Pepper. "Give me my damn _DR. PEPPER!_ You!" He points at the man on the screen. "GIVE IT TO ME! IF YOU DON'T I'LL BOIL YOUR PRIVATE PARTS AND EAT THEM FOR BREAKFAST! AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOUR SOUL! HOW DOES _THAT_ SOUND?!"

Ryou sweatdrops. "Yami…That's not a _perso__-_."

Bakura ignores him, and starts punching the vending machine violently, cursing random things, such as it was this driver's fault that the toilet had clogged the day before, and for Ryou being a 'fruit'. Ryou looks around, hoping no one is hearing what is happening. Bakura continues punching it. The next moment, Bakura is propelled backwards and lands on the sidewalk across the street. Ryou runs over to his yami.

"Yami! What hap-" He raises an eyebrow as he sees the bottle of Dr. Pepper between Bakura's legs. Bakura is staring into space, his hands over his groin. Tears roll down the tomb robber's cheeks.

"…_ow_." He says in a _very_ high-pitched and painful voice.

Ryou tries not to smile, and puts his hand over his mouth as he starts to giggle. He begins to cry he's laughing so hard.

"_Hi…Hikari. This is –not- funny._" Bakura says, his high-pitched voice only making Ryou laugh harder.

"Oh, you have _no_ idea how much it is."


End file.
